I love women. Of the two sexes on this planet, if there was ever a vote to decide which sex was to continue, and the other face oblivion, I’d say ‘aye’ for the female of the species, even if it meant the premature termination of my own existence. Everything about them is great . Their caring, gentle personality, the way they look, the way they know exactly how to manipulate the male of the species into doing what they want… women are just great.
Having said that though, they are not perfect, and the first thing that shows that they are not so, is the evolution of their fashion choices. I’m the first to admit, I’m not a fashionable person when it comes to dressing myself, but I have a bit of a gift when it comes to choosing fashion for women. Show me any girl, and I can always come out with a style to suit their appearance, build and personality. In a different world, I should be Gok Wan, except that I’m not half Chinese or gay.
And it is blatantly obvious to see this female flaw when someone of the fairer sex is in their youth, as they tend to have very little style, and what they do have, is fleeting. It is understandable, they are experimenting with fashions, seeing what they like, what they don’t like, what make up works, what hair colour suits them – it is the ‘see what shit sticks’ approach to fashion. And with time, and many fashion disasters, the girl finds a style that suits them and sticks with it. This is usually in their mid twenties, where they calm down a touch and blend a bit comfortable, glamorous, practical, colourful, subtle, bright and sexy into one overall image that is their fashion style.
In Scotland, there is a brewery that is making beer like a teenage girl picks clothes, they are just trying things to see if the beers they make work. Brew Dog, based in Fraserburgh, are always getting into trouble from the Portman group for promoting excessive drinking on their labels, or having anti-alcohol groups calling them irresponsible for producing a beer at 18% . If I’m honest, I think these accusations are ridiculous, due to the fact that Brew Dog don’t promote excessive consumption (even if their wording could be construed as such), and due to global warming, Australian Shiraz will probably get near 18% any day now and nobody will complain about that! Having defended them though, I do find Brew Dog’s “we are renegades and don’t cow-tow to the establishment” image a bit hypocritical and annoying considering they sell their products in Tesco!
What you can’t accuse Brew Dog's beer, nor a young girl’s taste in clothes, of being is dull! They make a quartet of ‘normal’ beers, The Trashy Blonde, 77 Lager, Rip Tide Stout and the Punk IPA, but I’m not interested in these here, as they are akin to a teenager in her school uniform. Sure, she tries to make things a bit more interesting by wearing jewellery, piercing their nose and unbuttoning her blouse as much as she can get away with, but her clothes are the same as everyone elses. Brew Dog make this standard range a bit more interesting by increasing the quality over other beers in the market and by giving them a bit more oomph, but it is best to think of this “regular” range, as mainstream beers with a bit of boob!
The beers I’m more interested in, from this stroppy teenager of the brewing world, are their artisan beers. These offer unique styles of beer, sometimes in limited numbers, and are made under the “see what shit sticks” policy! Take their Dogma. An ale that is brewed with Guarana (normally seen in energy drinks), poppy seeds (normally seen in opium) and kola nut (normally used to treat whooping cough), and then blended with Scottish heather honey. Show me another brewer who does this? In fact show me another brewer who is mad enough to try it in the first place! However, just because they do it, doesn’t mean that it is good. But this beer is actually quite nice. You get the heather honey sweetness up front on the nose, it is quite floral and with some bitter marmalade and a bit of cocoa. The palate is quite chewy, and can only be described as a nice beer with a teaspoon of honey added! You get some bitter elements to cut through the sweetness, and despite the finish being a little cloying, this energy drink-come-beer works! The major selling point of this beer is that it only costs a few quid and is affordable crazyness.
Then there is the Paradox range of beers. A couple of decades ago, whisky distillers came across the idea of putting the same whisky in different barrels to show how the oak changes the taste of the spirit. The cynic in me also thinks that it was a cheap way to increase the profits of a company, and line extend on an off licence shelf! Brew Dog have followed this ideal by creating one stout and aging it in whisky barrels from three different producers.
From the Isle of Arran is, well, the Arran aged Paradox. Initially it is quite sweet on the nose, but then has a sweaty aroma which is off putting. The palate is all about dried fruit, some bitter chocolate and cigarette butts. It is ok, but this really isn’t that tasty. Then, from Campbeltown, is the Springbank aged beer. A total contrast from the Arran, as this has a rich, sweet, malty aroma with loads of chocolate and raisins. A really delightful palate, a mix of bitter and sweet, with pumpernickel smeared with chocolate and the some leather and cigar on the finish. A serious fashion triumph!
Third was the Smokehead Paradox. Smokehead is a single malt whisky brand from the island of Islay, but nobody (officially) knows which distillery produces the whisky. Like Brew Dog, Smokehead has brash packaging, and has a image that sticks two fingers firmly up at the established branding of Scottish alcohol companies. So, in theory, this beer is a marriage made in heaven – two renegade brands coming together to produce one product. However, this is far from the dream wedding, it is more of a desperate shag in the back of a Ford Granada. There is sweet smoke, sherbert and a bit of tar aroma, and then a palate that really reminded me of an ashtray from aforementioned Dagenham dustbin! It is far too spirity as well – think of it as a Burberry scarf, looks posh and prissy in theory, but in practice it makes the young lady a chav! Thinking that it could just be the combination of stout and a peaty whisky, I opened a long gone example of Paradox, just labelled as Paradox Islay. This was a much better beer, with sweet honey, some subtle peat, and a beetrooty, earthiness coming off the nose. The palate was rounded, quite savoury and yet soft and enticing. There were smoky elements, but they were very well integrated. This is the Barbour jacket, doesn’t look that impressive, but man, it is a fashion success!
Throughout their teenage years, girls can’t afford designer clothes. Sure, they can get the odd nice pair of shoes, but names like Louboutin and Choo are simply not going to be on their shoe rack. Then, once they have got a job, they save up and buy a hideous pair of designer shoes that they wear once and then leave them to one side until they whack them on ebay… to fund the purchase of their next pair of hideous shoes! Brew Dog have decided to follow this theory too, and are producing beers that not only push the boundries of beer making tradition, but pricing as well.
First up was the Brew Dog Atlantic IPA. After finding a 19th century recipe for a very hoppy Indian Pale Ale in a book, the decision was made to strap eight barrels of this beer to a North Atlantic trawler for two months, making it the only sea aged IPA available today. Needless to say, it’s £20 price tag is a touch high for something that, to the majority of people, is comparable to Deuchars IPA. But to compare this to the Caledonian Brewery product is akin to comparing Kate Beckinsale to Katie Price. Tecnically they may be the same with a similar name, but one is a well crafted attractive creation and the other is a brazen blonde. The Atlantic has a toffee sweetness on the nose, with some bitter hop aromas. Then there is lemon zest and honey leading onto a palate of soft, mouth filling hoppy bitterness, some sweet and sour elements - almost rhubarb & custard sweets – and a round finish that becomes very clean. A seriously good drink with balance, elegance and finesse – this outfit is a success for this youngster.
Another fashion triumph from Brew Dog is the Tokyo*. This is the beer that has caused the Mary Whitehouse appreciation society to accuse Brew Dog of encouraging people to drink to excess. It is an 18.2% beer, costing £10 per 330ml bottle. The beer is brewed with jasmine and cranberries and then aged on oak chips. Cracking the cap off the bottle gives you aromas of dark chocolate, treacle, sweet berries and a Mars Bar melted all over a peach. Glugging a mouthful immediately makes you realise that no matter what anyone says, this beer is not going to encourage you to drink this in large amounts. The palate has a massive sweetness, melted dark chocolate, malt, and then a port like flavour, mixed with Bolivar cigars, melted muscovado sugar and Guinness! The alcohol too dominates, you know this has insane levels of booze in it and that puts you off drinking large quantities. However, this beer really has a great finish. It is clean, leaving your mouth with a nice, slightly sweet and bitter, subtle flavour. Again, despite a whacky mix of ingredients, the pubescent Brew Dog has managed to put together another stunning outfit.
But where things went crazy, and where there was the biggest fashion disaster, was with the last beer I tried, the now infamous Tactical Nuclear Penguin. Not only is it £35 for a 330ml bottle, but it is 32% alcohol making it the strongest beer ever. This beer started as an 11% stout, and was aged in whisky barrels for 14 months (according to the website), 16 months (according to the person from Brew Dog that I talked to) and 18 months (according to the video on the Brew Dog website) before being taken to an ice cream factory and freeze distilled. The water in the beer freezes before the alcohol, and so you get a beer Slush Puppy and a concentrated alcoholic liquid at the bottom of the tank. This liquid, after a being decanted and refrozen a few times, became the Tactical Nuclear Penguin.
And despite all that effort, which should be applauded for them having the insanity to try this, the beer is a terrible! You get soy sauce, treacle, burnt bacon and then a Pedro Ximinez sweet wine aroma. The palate is all about Bovril, beef OXO cubes and over ripe banana at first, then some peat emerges, with tobacco, Baxters Beef Consomee and black pepper mixed with liquorice. As an experience, it is excellent, but as a drink, without any bottle age on it, it is horrific. This beer embodies the fashion conscious teenager that Brew Dog is. It will try anything, spend any amount of money experimenting, having failures and having successes, looking like a lady (Atlantic) and looking like a tramp (Paradox Smokehead)!
Like a teenage girl, Brew Dog will one day grow up. It will realise that although its youth was fun, it will have to get a bit serious and make money, and make their business, and beers, a little less radical. When this happens, they will continue to produce their excellent ‘normal’ beers, but their company will be one of the major players in the British beer world. And that is a good thing as they will be one of the few Scottish success stories to emerge from the first decade of this century.
However, every so often, they
must put on their bright pink tutu, a pair of Jimmy Choos and a tweed jacket and produce these eccentric and unique beers. Some may be great, some may be horrible and none of them will ever be more than a passing trend, but they will embrace the free thinking, innovative, and slightly mad spirit of Brew Dog. Like them or hate them, it is up to you, but these guys can make bloody good, and unique, beer.
Brew Dog Website
